I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
