my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
