No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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