I can tuck mytits in my pants
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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