Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
