Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
