I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
