mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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