Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
