Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
