oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
