This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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