Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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