Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
