just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
