I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
