My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
