I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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