did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
