what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
