glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
too bad you live with your parents still
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
