go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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