tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
