I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
