I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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