I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
