Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
