Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
