I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
