sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I did not marry a roomba.
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