is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
