so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
