The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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