ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
