So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
