That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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