If that was your dad, he is hot
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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