One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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