I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
