I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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