Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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