It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
