i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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