Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
