Just cropdusted the office
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
