I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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