I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
