I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
