My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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