How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
