This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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