She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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