rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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