My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
