well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
