Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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