My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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