Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
