i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
